Forgetting
by pamy
Summary: Dick tries to forget everything that has happened to him. He wants to forget that party. Veronica never lets him. Veronica/Dick friendship. Understanding. Please review.


**Dick oneshot. Yeah it always bothered me that neither Dick nor Veronica ever mentioned that night. He must have known. I guess you could say this sort of goes with my other Dick oneshot (that's what he tells himself) but you don't need to read the other one. Please review. **

**don't own. **

* * *

Dick doesn't have a brother.

Or at least that's what he tells himself. He never allows himself to think of him. His little brother died many years ago. The boy that did those things wasn't his brother. Couldn't have been his brother. He only stays at the house during that summer. That's all he can handle. He expects Beave to come from behind those doors. To simply be there. He doesn't have a brother. He doesn't.

Logan looks into his eyes and he knows.

He knows he's broken. He offers him a room to stay. And if Dick wasn't already so far down he might have said no. The idea of walking past the spot where his brother died every single day scares hm. It scares him more than he'll ever be able to admit. Apart from that first night _– when he breaks down in Logan's arms. Something he prefers not to think about – _he doesn't say anything about it. Logan never asks any questions. Maybe that's why Dick feels so comfortable.

Logan understands on some level after all.

* * *

Dick tries to forget it all.

What Beaver _– Cassidy – _did. He tries. He tries to forget what he himself did as well. But it's not so easy. It's not so easy, because suddenly and without a warning she's there. Suddenly Veronica stands in front of him and he can't run away anymore. He is to scared to look into her eyes. The guilt is immense and he just wants to run.

Run away from the girl and never look back.

He has to look her in the eye eventually. He expected hate. Anger. He didn't expect understanding. She never speaks of Beaver – _or Cassidy, whoever he was – _and never does she bring up that party. Sometimes he wishes she had. Sometimes he wishes he had the courage to bring it up. To apologize. _– but a voice deep inside him tells him there's noting to apologize for. He did not do anything wrong. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know.- _so he never opens his mouth.

They go on as if nothing happened at all.

* * *

He almost gets his life back on track.

And then suddenly there are whispers. Whispers and accusations. Looks. Looks full of hatred and wonder. The accusation lingers in his head. The rapes. The rapes on campus. The Hearst Raper _(Rapist, whatever) _and he's scared. Not because he did something. He didn't. but because it brings back things he wants to forget.

_She's wearing a white dress. He carries her in a room. He leaves her there. With him. _

And the guilt comes up again. But he pushes it back again. He did nothing wrong this time. He is not responsible for this. And his brothers aren't either. They swore to it. So when he goes to Veronica for help he does it will all honesty. He's sure they didn't do anything. It's not until he leaves. When it hits him. He had a brother. Who swore he hadn't done anything. That he hadn't touched her.

He had believed him as well. History repeats itself.

He wonders if he'll ever learn.

* * *

His brothers are angry.

They think Veronica is trying to frame them. But after the last two years he knows this is how she works. She's not accusing them. Not yet. If she were they would know it. He remembers how she was about another party. A party he's trying unsuccessfully to forget. If she would accuse them it would be different.

He goes to talk to her nevertheless.

He sees it in her eyes. The silent accusation. She won't take his word for it. And as he remembers the party he knows there's no reason she should. But he's not Beaver. He's Dick. And this is not high school. And none of them are the same anymore. And shouldn't she give him the benefit of the doubt? After so many years. Her reply is cold as ice. _'Should have given me something to doubt about'_

He can't say he truly blames her.

* * *

He can see it in her eyes.

The next time they see each other. In the hotel room. He sees it. She doesn't trust him. She's thinking it might be true. He might be doing this. The conversation heats up almost instantly. She never comes out and accuses him. She doesn't really need to. He tell her what he's thinking. He tells her he's never done anything to her so why should she doubt him?

Silence follows immediately.

She looks him in the eyes and almost laughs. Almost. She looks at him as if he's gone crazy. Then it all comes out. Never? What about the party _- the one he wants to forget – _and she says something about drugged drinks. And for the first time he looks up. Her voice softens as she sees the shocked look in his eyes. She'll let that part go because he hadn't meant to drug her. Not really But then she goes to pouring drinks down her throat and he's never felt so guilty.

Then she looks at him. _Really looks at him. _And says.

'_and then you carried innocent unconscious Veronica into the spare bedroom. You threw a condom on the floor and told you're brother to 'get on with it' and then you walked away. You simply walked away. And left me there. And he did what you told him to. And you can never take that back. So don't you ask me to believe in you. you don't have that right.'_

He's silent. He's got nothing to say to that. All the apologies, all the words are stuck in his mind. After all _'I didn't know' _and _'I was drunk.' _aren't good enough.

They never will be.

* * *

'_He wasn't a monster.'_

The reply comes a while later. Veronica thought he would never speak. She looks in his eyes and sees many things. She sees guilt and sorrow and pain. Things she never thought she'd see in Dick Casablancas eyes. And she softens. If only a little. Because he's right after all.

'_You're right. He wasn't a monster. He was a victim.'_

Dick looks up. And he believes her. He believes that that is truth. Because it was. Little Beaver had been a victim. He hadn't been a monster. Not really. And he knows it's his fault. She looks him in the eye and says it all. Everything she's thinking.

'_But being the victim didn't give him the right to turn me into one.'_

Silence. They look at each other and they understand. He feels guilty. And he wishes he could take it all back. He wishes he could change what he has done. Just take it back. But it's don't and he can't go back. Can't change anything. She turns around and walks away from him. She stops at the door.

'_But for what it's worth, I don't think you're the Hearts Rapist.'_

Then she walks away. This is probably the most honest conversation he's ever had.

He never apologized.

* * *

They never speak of it again.

Never. They have reached an impasse. An understanding. And they leave it at that. If they go any further it will only end in tears. So they don't. They go on as they've always been. They never ask the questions they want to ask. The questions they don't really want an answer to. He never asks about the roof. He'll ask Logan but not her. He never asks.

'_Did you try to save him? Could you have somehow saved him?'_

She doesn't want to cross the line either. Doesn't want to know. Never asks. Never asks anything about that night. She knows to much of it already. She doesn't want to know more. She never asks what if he had said yes? What if Beaver when Dick had asked him if he needed to be shown, what if he had said yes?

'_Would he have done it? Could he have done it?'_

Those questions are never asked. Because they don't want the answer. The truth is they don't have an answer. They simply don't know what they would have done.

* * *

He never apologizes.

He knows he should. But he doesn't. He can't do it. He knows he has done her wrong, but he can't apologize. Can't do it. Can't look her in the eyes. He goes to Beavers grave. He sinks down in front of it and breaks. He breaks and screams and asks why did you do this? Why?

He had a brother once upon a time.

But he hadn't seen the signs. Not in time to save him. To save everybody else. He lost his brother. He destroyed him. He'll have to live with it. He had a brother.

He just couldn't save him.


End file.
